Why the Jeremy Corbyn regime needs to change

It’s official: Jeremy Corbyn is now a regime, according to the Daily Telegraph, which is a remarkable achievement for a single man who hasn’t even been elected. Back in the good old days a regime had to come to power by bloody revolution. Now it seems all you need are a few good hustings and a half-decent Twitter account.

In hindsight Corbyn’s facial hair was always a worry; regimes always have facial hair but he’s white, regimes are seldom white unless they’re Russian and Corbyn’s not Russian, maybe Corbyn’s Russian?

The mask slipped as soon as he started promising greater democracy. Fears further compounded by the promise of shadow cabinet posts to those diametrically opposed to his viewpoint. Only real despots include a wide range of political viewpoints in their inner circle.

Talking of despots, in 1988 when Saddam Hussein was using chemical weapons on the Kurds in Halabja, Jeremy Corbyn was one of the very few MPs to protest against British government ties with the dictator. Jeremy Corbyn is therefore linked to Saddam Hussein, further evidence that he is a rogue state.

Corbyn wants to renationalise industry and once appeared on Iranian-funded Press TV, a deadly combination that almost certainly makes him Britain’s answer to Mohammad Mosaddegh. Meaning the only person who can now save Labour is wannabe Shah in lucrative exile David Miliband.

Tony Blair, playing the part of Great Satan, could ask Egyptian BFF Abdel Fattah el-Sisi for advice, considering the president’s expertise in overthrowing democratically elected leaders. Labour general Simon Danczuk would be all too happy carrying out the coup.

Extremist “moderates” Chuka Umunna and Tristram Hunt, dripping in truffle oil, naked bar gold fig leafs of decency, would hoist Miliband up to the throne in a right-wing frenzy of aspiration. They would call the day ‘New Labour day’, which would officially replace May Day, banned under new terror legislation. The fanfare would be opulent but modestly attended, mainly wealthy MPs, BAE lobbyists and Jez from Peep Show, all sipping tears collected from the dashed hopes of a crushed proletariat.

Acting Labour leader Harriet Harman admits up to a 100,000 people could be barred from voting in the election. “This is an important democratic process and it isn’t funny or clever for people from other parties to try and cheat their way in,” so we decided to ban the chair of Brunel University Labour Society who is so against the “aims and values of the Labour party” he runs a university society dedicated to promoting them.

This is the same person who only three months ago said she wanted to “let the public in” to this election; requesting members “bring along someone who voted Tory or SNP or didn’t vote at all.” What a difference a left-wing candidate that resonates with the public makes. Times change, so much so Labour just banned Mark Serwotka, General Secretary of the PCS union, Britain’s sixth largest Labour movement. Leaving William Hill to slash the odds on Labour rebranding to ‘Capital’ by 2016 if anyone but Corbyn wins.

Instead of painstakingly purging Corbyn supporters one by one like the Labour leadership seem to be doing, they could blanket ban everyone to the left of Peter Mandleson. Anyone left with a faint recollection of the founding principles of Keir Hardie would be shot.

Jeremy Corbyn should be sentenced to death for peace crimes, along with Ed Miliband for paving the way for this mess. Ed’s new beard in support of the Corbyn Brotherhood should be seen for what it is: an act of inciting violence.

Former British prime minister Gordon Brown made things worse with an epic yarn on the perils of unelectability. The fact that Brown was never elected and then lost an election was lost on most media outlets. Brown kept it fresh, unimaginatively citing tenuous links to Hamas, Hezbollah and Chavez, three examples of democratically elected representatives. Brown could have spoken about his relationship with the unelected real Islamic State of Saudi Arabia but he’s far too modest.

Corbyn sat next to someone vaguely smearable at a parliamentary meeting; Blair invited Jimmy Savile to his house for a party. Saying that, at least Blair didn’t hand Savile the keys to Broadmoor or honour him for his commitment to charity like Thatcher. It’s funny that the Telegraphgets in such a spin at Corbyn’s alleged rogue alliances considering the Tory party’s very own connection to themselves, Lord Brittan et al.

Don’t just brush shoulders with dodgy individuals; be the dodgy individual, or at the least advise them on how to get away with being dodgy for a few hundred thousand pounds.

Jeremy Corbyn raised £175,000 in small donations from normal people. Liz Kendall raised £10,000 alone from lobbyist Tim Allan who runs Portland Communications that works to influence parliament on behalf of arms manufacturers and autocratic regimes. The average donation to Corbyn is £22, embarrassing considering Yvette Cooper raised £279,000 in large donations including one payment of £75,000 from former Tory donor Peter Hearn.

The current furore regarding entryism seems a little odd considering how happy Labour has been with infiltration; an unelected few having been buying Party influence for years. Premium infiltrators have become so used to getting their way that those who have given money to Kendall, Cooper and Burnham are threatening the Labour Party with legal action if Jeremy Corbyn wins. I wish I could do the same with Ladbrokes every time I bet on a horse that loses.

Andy Burnham loves lobbyists so much he hired two to direct his leadership bid: John Lehal, who runs Insight consulting group and Katie Myler, managing director at Burson-Marsteller. Both represent clients with vested interests in the privatisation of the NHS, highly problematic given Burnham’s self-styled image as defender of the NHS.

Democracy is all about representing the unelected. Corbyn’s pledge to put human rights at the centre of foreign policy threatens Britain’s ability to sell weapons of mass destruction to brutal regimes. Yemenis might be happy about Saudi Arabia having fewer bombs to blow up their homes but what will BAE Systems do with all those unused Typhoon jets?

And think of poor Israel. What will she do next time she wants to mow the lawn in Gaza? Think of the Palestinian children that might survive if a British prime minister decided to grow a spine? It doesn’t bear thinking about, does it?

Corbyn promises to apologise for the war in Iraq, a sectarian conflict that has never stopped leading to the creation of Daesh. A good leader starts illegal wars doesn’t apologies for them. Leaders should have bad judgement or at the very least be naive enough to be manipulated by neo-conservative ambition. That’s why I endorse Yvette Cooper for the Labour leadership.

As soon as Liz Kendall comes last with a single-digit percentile of the vote, the sooner she can join “the resistance” and change this regime for good. Corbyn’s potentially large mandate and grassroots support could make things difficult.  Therefore NATO should bomb Corbyn supporters into submission. It worked in Libya and will please Louise Mensch, who can provide proof Corbyn supporters bombed themselves by writing it into her Twitter search bar.

The Labour Party could then finally get back to being an ineffective opposition acting on behalf of an unelected minority in pursuit of capital, instead of working towards greater benefits for the majority of Labour that produces it. It is after all what Maggie would have wanted and what true democracy is all about.

The views expressed in this article belong to the author and do not necessarily reflect the editorial policy of Middle East Monitor.